Helping Children Manage Big Emotions: Practical Strategies for Emotion Regulation
From toddler tantrums to pre-teen meltdowns, all children experience big emotions. These moments are a normal part of development, but some kids find it harder to calm themselves once upset. This ability, known as “emotion regulation”, is a vital life skill that develops throughout childhood.
What Is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation is a child’s ability to:
Notice and label their feelings
Manage strong emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness
Recover from big feelings and return to a calm state
It doesn’t mean avoiding emotions. Instead, it’s about learning healthy ways to respond to them.
The Two Key Parts of Emotion Regulation
A really helpful way to understand emotion regulation is that it has two essential components:
Co-regulation
This is when a caregiver helps a child calm down by offering comfort, reassurance, and modelling calm behaviour. For example: holding your child when they’re crying, using a soothing tone, or guiding them through deep breathing.
Co-regulation is especially important in younger children, who don’t yet have the skills to self-regulate on their own.
Self-regulation
Over time, children gradually learn to soothe themselves without always needing an adult.
This might look like a child taking deep breaths, asking for a break, or finding a quiet activity when upset.
Self-regulation grows as children mature, and they learn it best when they’ve experienced consistent co-regulation from their caregivers.
Together, co-regulation + self-regulation = emotional regulation. Children can’t skip straight to self-regulation. They first need adults to support and model it for them.
Why Do Some Children Struggle More?
Several factors can impact a child’s ability to regulate emotions:
Developmental stage: Toddlers and preschoolers rely heavily on parents for co-regulation.
Temperament: Some children are naturally more sensitive.
Neurodivergence: Children with ADHD or autism may find transitions and sensory input more overwhelming.
Stressful environments: Changes such as moving house, starting school, or family stress can increase emotional challenges.
Signs of Emotional Regulation Difficulties
Parents might notice:
Frequent meltdowns beyond expected age
Aggressive behaviour or shutting down when upset
Difficulty calming down without adult help
Trouble adapting to changes in routine
Strong emotional reactions over small frustrations
Strategies Parents Can Use at Home
Name and validate feelings: “I can see you’re angry because the toy broke.”
Co-regulate first: Stay calm and model deep breathing or grounding before expecting your child to do it themselves.
Create a calm space: Provide a safe, cosy spot for children to reset (not as a punishment).
Practice when calm: Role-play problem-solving and coping strategies outside of meltdowns.
Use visuals or social stories: These can help children with speech/language challenges understand emotions.
Encourage routines: Predictable schedules reduce overwhelm and increase security.
How Psychologists Can Help
At Better Together Therapy, our psychologists use play-based and evidence-based techniques to build regulation skills. This may include:
Teaching coping strategies tailored to your child (and their interests)
Helping children recognise body signals that emotions are rising
Supporting parents with practical strategies
Collaborating with our speech pathologists if communication barriers are making it harder for a child to express emotions
Key Takeaway
Emotion regulation is not something children are born knowing how to do. It’s a skill that grows over time. Through co-regulation with trusted adults, children gradually learn to develop their own self-regulation skills. With guidance from parents (and professionals when needed), kids can thrive emotionally and socially.
